To kick start Coeliac Awareness Week 2018, I thought I’d compile a list of the 15 stupid things people have said to me because I’m gluten free. I think I could probably stretch to 100, but I thought 15 would be a good start.
There’s no doubt that none of these were said to me maliciously, but in a way… that’s the worst part! People often mean well, but to us gluten free folks, it can often sound pretty funny. So here’s 15 stupid things people have said to me because I’m gluten free!
1. “Go on, a little bit won’t hurt.”
No, actually it will. It will probably hurt me now and in the long term too.
Just because I won’t go into anaphylactic shock, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t take it seriously.
2. “Can you eat meat?”
Either you think gluten free means vegetarian, or you think there’s gluten in meat.
Not sure which is worse, really.
3. “Being gluten free didn’t exist 10 years ago. It’s just made up by marketing.”
Well, maybe it did exist and you just weren’t aware of it?
I actually bought a gluten-free recipe book that’s over 30 years old – so what does that tell you?
4. “Being gluten free must help you stay so skinny.”
First of all, last time I checked ‘skinny’ wasn’t a compliment.
In conclusion – no.
5. “Surely if you eat a little bit of gluten, your body will just build up a tolerance to it.”
So, if I poison myself once a day, I will eventually become invincible? Is that how it works?
“Guys, I think I just discovered the answer to eternal life. It’s something about slowly killing yourself!”
6. “I used to struggle with gluten too.”
Did you get a body transplant?
Can I have one too please?
7. “Yes, this is gluten free because the gluten is killed off at the high temperatures during frying.”
Oh great. Fantastic.
In that case, I’ll have a deep-fried baguette, please.
8. “Can you eat potato?”
What is with these questions? Is it supposed to be rhetorical?
You know, like “if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, can you eat potato?”
I guess we’ll never know.
8. “You should wear a badge with ‘I’m gluten free’ on it, so nobody poisons you.”
You should wear a badge with ‘my advice is terrible’ on it, because your advice is terrible.
9. “It’s easy to avoid gluten anyway, because you can just eat avocado on toast.”
Toast… isn’t… necessarily…
And why that specifically?
On second thoughts, don’t worry about it. I’m going to go home and eat avocado on toast.
10. “The best thing about not eating gluten is that it must save you so much money, right?”
Ok, if I ate a diet of boiled carrots, then yes, I’d probably be a millionaire by now.
But when a loaf of bread costs around £3 and has more holes than slices, you can go into your overdraft pretty quickly.
11. “Did you order the gluten free bun because of a food allergy or for fun?”
You might want to reconsider your definition of the word ‘fun’, mate.
But I will agree with you that having a food allergy/intolerance is the opposite of fun.
12. “We’ve run out of gluten free cakes, but the chef can put together a fruit salad for you.”
I ordered one slice of cheesecake, not one of my five a day.
Fine. I’ll settle for a cheeseboard without the crackers. That way I can at least take the cheese home and make my own cheesecake.
13. “I can totally relate to the pain of food allergies because I used to be vegetarian.”
Used to be?
It must be so difficult to make a choice over what you do and don’t eat. Then decide that’s too difficult and give that up too.
It’s so nice that someone feels my pain. Finally, someone understands me.
14. “Are you ok with milk?”
Ok, if I have to start listing all the things I can eat, we’ll be here a lot longer than if I just list the things I can’t eat.
15. “Excuse me miss, are you a celeriac?”
I am a vegetable.
(And I still know more about gluten free than you do.)
Thanks for checking out the 15 stupid things people have said to me because I’m gluten free! Did I miss anything out? What stupid things have people said to you?
Thanks for reading,